The doubts in my head often take on many voices. Sometimes it’s my mother or father, other times it’s my brother, and still other times it’s the nameless voice of my subconscious. But this time, it was my wife. It was Wednesday, one of Exodus 90’s fasting days, and after eating a small breakfast, I was packing an equally small lunch. My wife’s voice echoed in the back of my head. “Todd, what are you doing this for? Why are you torturing yourself? Do you really think this is going to bring you closer to God?” And there it was – the doubt that I felt but couldn’t express finally became clear: Will all this sacrifice and hard work actually bring me closer to God?
To solve this question, I decided to delve deeper into the ascetic practices that form the core of the Exodus 90 program. This program is a 90-day spiritual exercise for men focused on prayer, asceticism, and fraternity. I started the program with great enthusiasm, seeking the freedom it promised. The first week was relatively easy, but as I approached the reality of having to endure 12 more weeks of giving up many things I enjoyed, I had to dig deeper. I examined the reasons why I was doing the program and was rewarded with a short lift in spirits, but that was short-lived.
I then turned to the Exodus 90 website to see if it had the answers I needed. The website states that “the ascetic practices laid out in Exodus 90 help men to detach from the things of the world. We say no to small things in order to say yes to the big things that God calls us to!” While this statement was a helpful explanation, it did not provide specifics on how these practices actually bring a person closer to God. The website didn’t offer any discussion about the mechanism that moves a person toward God, leaving me to fill in the blanks on my own.
In reflecting on this question, I realized that in each of my previous experiences with asceticism, my intent was not aligned with becoming closer to God. Instead, I was seeking to improve my health, lose weight, gain muscle, or become more calm or focused. These are not bad goals in and of themselves, but they were not directly pointing toward God. This led me to ask: can intent matter that much?
As a consumer of too much crime drama over the years, I am familiar with the concept of “criminal intent”. Criminal intent is the conscious decision someone makes to deliberately engage in an unlawful or negligent act, or to harm someone else. The notion of criminal intent can be the difference between a person going to death row or not going to jail at all. So, yes, intent does matter. I believe the same holds true for asceticism and the Exodus 90 program. My intent is to grow closer to God and to be a better husband and father, and I believe that this intent will guide me in the right direction as I continue on with the program.