Although my plan for this blog was to have weekly Exodus 90 reflections, I wanted to share about my experience on Day 3 of the Exodus 90 program. Exodus 90 is a 90-day spiritual exercise for men based on three pillars: prayer, asceticism, and fraternity. It’s designed to help men experience freedom from unwanted habits and gain the ability to be who they were truly called to be: Men in Christ, Men of the Church, Men for Others.
What made Day 3 different than the rest is that it was the first fasting day. Fasting consists of eating no meat and having only one full meal and two smaller meals that equal less than a full meal. Fasting is a huge part of the Exodus 90 program. It is one of the ascetical disciplines designed to help the participants “detach from things of the world”, leaving him free to “say yes to the big things that God calls us to”.
My day started out fantastic. By the time I was commuting to work, I had already had a holy hour and a great workout. In the office I was focused and productive and even found time to hit a lunch time mass. But shortly thereafter things started to fall apart. The cash register in the cafeteria was broken and I couldn’t get the small lunch that I had planned. All I had for lunch was about 10 olives drench in balsamic vinegar and olive oil and a cup of black coffee. My schedule didn’t allow any more time to go offsite to get more food. Things started to go down hill quickly.
By the time 5PM hit, my head throbbed, my body felt jittery and my stomach was so empty it was about to eat itself. I stared at a bag of cashews on my desk longing to devour the whole thing. But I wanted to adhere to the “No Snacking between meals” discipline. A thousand reasons popped into my mind of why I can and should have a snack before commuting home from dinner. I held the bag in my hand looking at the nutrition facts on the back. With reluctance I put it back in its spot. I forced myself to look away from it and drank the last of the water in my travel mug to fill my stomach. I fought of temptation this time but my resolve was waning.
The office was empty and there was no one to witness my silent struggle or hear my stomach growling. My will had been so strong through the morning and afternoon. But I was faltering. My commute passed in a flash and the next thing I knew, I was at home eating everything in sight. First eggs, then chips, then almonds and coconut flakes, then a banana smoothie and finally some pizza bites. By the time bedtime hit, my stomach was hurt because it was overfull and my head was still throbbing. I tucked my kids in. I took some migraine medicine, did a half-hearted Examine and went to bed.
It wasn’t until late the next afternoon that my medication hangover finally subsided. Despite feeling like a failure, I could see clearly that what my problem was. I didn’t have a good meal plan for my fast. This was a simple mistake. A mistake that I should not have made. I inflicted suffering on myself that was wholly avoidable and unnecessary. Yet, as I think about it know, I am thankful for the lesson that it taught me.
I learned that in a spiritual exercise such as this, I must be humble, treat each discipline with respect and be warry of my own arrogance. I was foolish to think that I could wing it my first time doing a fast. This is hard. It will take all of my attention and focus. I resolve to not repeat this mistake.